100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 10 - Kane & The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels & Triple H
Crown Jewel 2018
If ever a match deserved to fail, it is this.
When some people remember this night, they may feel a sinking sadness in their stomach. Disappointed that these men tarnished their legacies. Heartbroken that one of wrestling’s most beautiful retirements was permanently ruined. How could their heroes let themselves be involved at this event and put on this?
For me, I was never as fond of any of these four individuals as most other people. I’ve had various points where I enjoyed all of their work, but on the whole none would be high on my list of favourite wrestlers. For that reason, I do not feel saddened by this. This is hilarious. This is pure schadenfreude. This is karma for such a shameless, cynical money grab of a match. I probably would have been more disappointed if they had somehow managed to put on a fun match as it would have papered over the cracks and controversy surrounding it.
The elephant in the room for this particular match is the circumstances surrounding the event. I expressed my feelings about the WWE and Saudi relationship in my review of Tyson Fury versus Brock Lesnar, so I won’t regurgitate them again here. However, there is an important caveat for this show in particular. This show took place a mere month after the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the presumed instruction of the Saudi crown prince. The assassination received global condemnation, and there was a lot of speculation that this show could not go ahead as intended. In the end, WWE has always lived by the mantra of the “show must go on”, which led to widespread criticism from various mainstream sources. The only action WWE took in response to the assassination was to awkwardly avoid any mention of Saudi Arabia on the broadcast.
In light of the inherent grossness that this match exists, it is difficult for me not to feel a tiny bit of glee watching it blow up in all their faces in such a spectacular, embarrassing fashion.
In late 2018, Triple H defeated the Undertaker in an awful match in Australia, where I had the below to say:
“Instead, these guys just couldn’t help themselves. They were chasing the dragon of that 2012 match and story. They had to make it epic. They had to try and make it a poignant, deep storyline. They had to bring back Shawn Michaels for his hammy over-acting. They had to go for 30 minutes. They even brought Kane in to try and one-up the epic. Undertaker was chasing that one last classic epic, and Triple H was more than willing to go along.”
Give or take a few lines of phrasing, the same concept applies here. Somehow, despite the disaster of Australia, nobody thought to suggest that perhaps having another 30 minute match would be an error. Even though the tag setting should, in theory, alleviate some of the pressure on the individuals - in practice that doesn’t end up being the case.
Not quite Robert Gibson, here.
Following the Australia match, Undertaker and Kane challenged D-X for Crown Jewel. This, of course, meant the return of Shawn Michaels, who had previously retired 8 and a half years earlier at the hands of The Undertaker - a match that I consider one of the finest in WWE history. Let me preface the next part by saying that wrestling retirements are - on the whole - a total joke. When Ric Flair retired in 2008, it looked for a couple of years that it could be the definitive wrestling retirement. However, even that lasted just 2 years before bankruptcy and TNA backing up a truck full of money got him back in the ring. At over 8 years with barely even a hint of a return, Michaels looked like he was destined to be the rare permanent wrestling retirement. The perfect retirement in a perfect match at a perfect setting. There is no doubt that a little bit of the magic of Wrestlemania 26 has been lost as a result. For them to tarnish the legacy of Michaels’ retirement for this show in particular only adds to the disappointment hanging over this.
Michaels was reportedly paid $3million for this performance. An extortionate figure that most of us can barely comprehend. I am not privy to Michaels’ financial situation (a 2009 storyline with JBL not withstanding), but I would imagine he is not struggling for money given by all accounts a clean lifestyle and a healthy family situation. I can’t speak for the motivations for anyone else, but to me it doesn’t seem worth the cost for his legacy.
The feud going into the show kind of made no sense too. They brought in some convoluted story where Shawn claimed that he stayed retired out of respect for the Undertaker - respect which never existed. I am not sure how this makes a bit of sense, but that’s beside the point. Considering the three year storyline between 2009-2012 with Undertaker, HBK and HHH, trying to claim that D-X did not respect the Undertaker was a stupid, contradictory direction to try and justify its existence. However, considering the previous two D-X reunions, I am glad they didn’t get these 50-year-old men pretending to be teenagers like they did in 2006 and 2009.
At this point, the combined age of the four men was 206 years. Bearing in mind, this is also a night which featured Hulk Hogan (65) returning for the first time in 3 years. Brock Lesnar (41) winning the vacant Universal Championship (again), and Shane McMahon (48) inconceivably being crowned the Best In The World by winning a tournament he wasn’t even a participant. Not really a show for the young guys. At 49-years-old at the time of airing, Triple H is the spring chicken of this match. Nobody had been a full time wrestler for many years, though all apart from Michaels had wrestled fairly recently. Again, given the performances of Triple H, Kane, and The Undertaker in 2018, it takes an extraordinary amount of hubris to believe any of these could wrestle a compelling 30 minute match that would justify bringing Michaels out of retirement.
For that reason, I don’t have the same sort of sympathy I usually have for the performers in this series. Instead, I take a cruel, cynical stance about this. I am glad that this match is the most humiliating night of their professional lives. I’m not happy that one of the wrestlers got genuinely hurt, but if any match in WWE history deserved to suck, it’s this. I am glad that Michaels, Triple H and Undertaker have all come out and said they regret this match, and they’re ashamed of it. Because they should be.
Of all four men, somehow it is the man who was most recently a full time wrestler that looks the worst and it's obvious from the moment he’s making his way to the ring. Kane is in frankly horrible shape, almost as if he hasn’t trained a day in years. To his credit, after being the world’s worst brother and bodyguard in Australia, he at least gets physically involved here. Unfortunately, he probably shouldn’t have as he was by far the most pathetic performer on this night. And that includes the eventual one-armed Triple H. In a match full of geriatric old men, he somehow looks 10 years older than everyone else.
The match kicks off with Triple H and Kane, which makes sense in terms of making the fans wait for the big Michaels return. However it backfires because - outside of a small token “This is awesome” chant - the crowd is oddly quiet despite the usually enthusiastic Saudi audience. They try to force some epic staredowns but the crowd doesn’t want to bite on it for Kane and Triple H. I should also note how funny these early Saudi shows are with the royalty in the front row in their recliners showing absolutely no enthusiasm for anything. For fans of European football, it’s remiscent of how the hard cam at Wembley shows the corporate fans who have no interest, nor do they bother sitting in their seat for half the match.
After a couple minutes of plodding, Shawn finally gets in to a massive ovation. Undertaker insists on getting tagged in, as the two renew their legendary rivalry. It’s at this point, I need to dispute a commonly held belief about this match. The belief that Michaels is the only good part of this match. I disagree. He’s the best part of the match, but that is not the same as saying he’s good. He’s not. The idea of being the best in this match is a startlingly low bar to clear. Naturally, he’s not wrestled in 8 years, so expectations should be tempered, but I find he lets all of his worst tenancies shine through. His facial expressions in particular are exaggerated to absurd, nauseating degrees. It might sound mean spirited, but somehow his baldness makes his cheesy acting stand out even more. Years of my commonly held criticisms of Michaels compounded by this shitshow of an environment. He's uncoordinated with bad timing, weak offence, and like everyone else, he looks awful. All understandable, but in that case a smart booker would try to put them in a position to succeed and mask potential flaws.
The major calamity that pulls this match into the top 10 is when Triple H tears his pec going over the top rope. This happens a mere 6 minutes into the match. It also marks the third time that Triple H suffered a major muscle tear in a televised tag match. Had they been sensible and booked this as the 12-14 minute showcase it had to be, they'd only have to improvise for a little while. Not ideal, but doable. Especially considering this has happened before in a D-X match back at New Year's Revolution 2007. That match rules by the way, in no small part thanks to Shawn taking over and ad-libbing the hell out of the last 5 minutes in a beautiful, chaotic finish.
But no, the arrogance of these men and WWE to assume they could produce a 30 minute epic like it was 2009 comes back to bite them on the arse. Their constant desire for the dramatic match, ignoring the painful reality of their age and bodies all led to the collapse of this match, and the worst night of their professional careers. This isn't New Year's Revolution 2007. This is nearly 22 years later, with far worse opponents, and another 22 minutes of time to improvise.
The competitors are naturally struggling with what to do next. As HHH and HBK confer on the outside, Kane and Undertaker stand gormlessly in the ring for an uncomfortably long time. This will be a recurring theme for the remainder of the contest. From this point on, every time Triple H enters, everything has to be from his unnatural left side so all his offence looks like shit. Take a 50 year old man, and force him to wrestle wrong handed - not great. It’s worse because Triple H is perhaps the only person in this match who has any sort of impactful offence at this point in their careers. Every move to and by Triple H takes that extra awkward, agonising second - an extra step while they make sure everything is all properly set up to be as safe as possible. This is the right thing to do, but does not make for compelling viewing especially given how much is left to go.
As the match crumbles around the competitors, the commentators are at a loss with how to react, leading to an oddly bored sounding commentary team. The crowd becomes significantly less enthusiastic, leading to plenty of dead air. I’ve said it before, but this crowd is one of the more receptive that WWE performs in front of (front row notwithstanding), therefore it says a lot when even they lose their excitement.
It’s clear that the Triple H injury threw off any concept of structure or plan. Eventually, they decide that Triple H is too much of a distraction and he needs to be written out of the match. Kane very carefully lifts him up for a chokeslam and puts him through the announce table. That leaves us with essentially a handicap match. You’d think that Kane and Undertaker beating up Shawn Michaels, with HBK bumping around the ring may be entertaining. However, Kane and Undertaker at this point work at a glacial pace with horrible looking offence, and Shawn can’t bump like it’s 1996 anymore. While I can be critical of D-X’s performance here, it is nothing compared to how awful the Brothers of Destruction are. Just watch how much Kane struggles to get HBK up for a chokeslam. Even the legendary Undertaker and Shawn Michaels combo fails to produce good wrestling. It only took 30 years, the addition of Kane and Triple H, and a major injury, but Shawn Michaels and Undertaker finally had a bad match together.
After Triple H goes through the table, it doesn’t take long before they clearly exhaust all ideas. They are quite blatantly calling the next sequence of spots in a series of chokes and forearms to the face. Once you notice the obvious method for calling spots, you can't unsee it. It's not quite Dolph Ziggler in the elimination chamber, but it is close.
Michael Cole, who may have been suffering from extreme second hand embarrassment for the things he was asked to say on this night, says, without a hint of irony that they are “the four greatest of all time” while they are in the middle of one of the most humiliating, disappointing matches ever wrestled. Even just from a kayfabe perspective, Kane getting lumped in with the “greatest of all time” is one of wrestling’s great piggybacks if we’re being honest.
The beauty of this mess is that it just keeps getting worse. With every passing minute, the pace gets slower, and the fuck ups get more noticeable. It is a comedy of errors. The funniest of these is when Michaels and Kane are scuffling on the top turnbuckle. Michaels’ strike catches Kane in such a way that his mask flies off. Sorry, Kane, even the wrestling gods realise that there is just too much hair in this match. A moment emblematic of the match surrounding it. This all culminates in a moment when Shawn decides he needs to do something drastic to rescue this mess. He climbs to the top rope and goes for an impressive moonsault, in what may be the only interesting move in the match. Kane and Undertaker, clearly trying to sabotage any spot remotely cool, decide to do their best impression of The Miz by almost entirely failing to catch Michaels. I will be kind and say it is an intentional homage to Wrestlemania 25 and Sim Snuka. Long term storytelling.
When they return back from replay, Kane suddenly has his fucking mask on. He decided that he couldn’t possibly be seen without the mask. The mask is sacred after all. Let’s ignore the fact that Kane spent more time in his career unmasked than masked. The visual of them showing the replay exposing the bald Kane, then immediately cutting back to see him masked with a full set of hair is without a doubt the funniest moment I’ve seen in this long series.
Kane in this gif could be the funniest moment in pro wrestling history.
Eventually, Michaels gets the hot tag to the returning Triple H, but the hot tag sequence may be the coldest in the history of wrestling. Triple H finally ends this by hitting the worst pedigree ever to Kane after Michaels hit Sweet Chin Music. I, for one, am shocked that Kane was the fall guy for this match.
Cole’s post-match tirade is particularly gross and ill-judged. It is so over the top, reminiscent of Tony Schiavone calling the horrendous Piper and Hogan match the greatest cage match of all time in 1997. It's also obviously pre-rehearsed in anticipation of the epic match these arrogant geriatric men believed they could put on in their 50s. Nobody thought to call an audible and tell Cole to maybe tone it down a bit. He insists for us to “stand up and applaud for the four greatest of all time in one ring. Who put on a performance that no-one will ever, ever forget.”
Well, he’s right about the last part.
Up Next - Never before have two title matches existed on such opposite ends of the spectrum.
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