100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 12 - Damian Priest vs. The Miz
Lumberjack Match - Wrestlemania Backlash 2021
“I am a small man in some ways. A small, petty man” - Principal Skinner
In the world of advertising, if your advert is intrusive, obnoxious, or overexposed, there’s every possibility that not only will I not purchase the product - but I may go out of my way to avoid it entirely. After “What’s a Computer”, I swore to never become a slave of the Apple corporation (the recent “Don’t Let Me Go” iPhone advert has somehow surpassed this as the most annoying advert in recent memory). “Granny, I got the job” has given me such disdain for Totaljobs that I wouldn’t use it if my employment (or heaven forbid lack thereof) left me broke and on the verge of homelessness.
Then there is this match, which makes me actively want to avoid ever watching the very movie it intends to promote.
If you had long since checked out of the Thunderdome era WWE and have no recollection of this, allow me to indulge you.
Army of the Dead was a 2021 post apocalyptic zombie flick produced by Zack Snyder starring Dave Batista. By all accounts (I didn’t watch the movie), it was a fairly middling film according to critics. As part of the promotion for the movie, WWE were paid $1million to promote it on their upcoming PLE, Wrestlemania Backlash. The Miz and Damian Priest were fresh off one of the more memorable matches of Wrestmania 37 - Night 1 which featured a shockingly great celebrity performance by Bad Bunny. What better way to capitalise on the rub from Bad Bunny than a tie in to beloved WWE legend and movie star Batista?
Well, therein lies the first problem. Batista is nowhere to be seen in this. Whether he was otherwise preoccupied, or he knew the embarrassment that was about to go down, Batista was not featured on WWE television or on this event outside of one single hype package at the start of the show.
Prior to the match, John Morrison - and you are now remembering that he had a return run in WWE 2020-2021- was backstage searching for the lumberjacks. His return to WWE feels like a Covid-induced fever dream. He turned up just before the start of the pandemic, around for the entirety of the Thunderdome era, then disappeared almost immediately after the return to live TV. Those who couldn’t handle pandemic wrestling may have entirely missed his WWE run. Others hoping for a rejuvenated Morrison return may have been disappointed to see him instantly back doing the same schtick he was doing 12 years earlier. The Miz and Johnny Drip Drip antics were horrible and among my least favourite part of 2020 WWE. Their gimmicks worked when both were in their 20s, not a pair of 40-year-old men in front of zero fans.
I digress, eventually Morrison found the locker room of the lumberjacks and, upon entering, was horrified to see that these lumberjacks were zombies. He tried to warn the Miz of what was to come, and it now becomes apparent to the viewer that this isn’t being treated as a comedic bit, but rather like they are true flesh eating monsters. The fans are taken off the screen of the Thunderdome, replaced by a dark, ruined city landscape for the match, while smoke surrounds ringside.
“No we’re not relaunching ECW again” - Corey Graves, delivering the only bit of joy to this miserable affair.
Now, if this was treated as tongue-in-cheek campiness, I could possibly live with it. The problem is they didn’t. Miz was terrified of the zombies. Morrison was terrified of the zombies. The commentators ran away from them (leading me to briefly think I was going to have to suffer a third fucking match in this series with no commentary - thankfully they did return). If this was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, then why would the commentators run away and act as if they are real zombies? Most perplexing was that Damian Priest was apprehensive around them even though the commentators repeatedly state that Priest insisted on this stipulation. If he knew that this was coming, why would he be shocked and weary of the zombies? Why am I trying to find logic in this?
Before the match even starts, Morrison does a runner, leaving Miz all on his own against Priest and the undead. The match features multiple spots where the zombies are clawing at each competitor in the ring, much to the terror of Miz. Miz’s full range of acting skills are on full display here, and it really makes you wonder why his own Hollywood career never went mainstream. There’s a lot of running around and hiding while the zombies waddle around ringside doing every stereotypical zombie trope in the book. While the costume designs aren’t bad (certainly by WWE’s low standards), there is nothing interesting about them. They’re the same bland zombies we’ve seen in a billion TV shows and films since. I don’t see how this is meant to convince anyone that this film is one to see. If anything, it is so dumb in its presentation that it makes me think the film will be just as stupid and embarrassing.
I suppose as well as ignoring the absolutely ridiculous premise that we’re led to believe these wrestlers are in danger of real-life zombies. What little wrestling is present is quite bad. Priest in particular is way off his game in this match, with far too much hesitation and sloppiness in almost everything he does. The actual wrestling sections were limited, but they showed very little chemistry together. To top it all off, he whiffs quite badly on a top rope spinning wheel kick, which lands awkwardly on Miz. This would tear Miz’s knee and rule him out for several months.
Later, during a figure-four spot, both competitors are pulled to the outside by the lumberjacks. Miz and Priest both come to a mutual understanding and start fighting the zombies together - further suggesting that both competitors think these are legitimate threats. Morrison also returns and shows off some parkour flippy skills to take out a few of the undead. In fairness, Morrison seems like he’s having the time of his life as the action hero of this zombie flick. Unfortunately for him, the reprieve is only temporary and the zombies manage to get a hold of him and he’s pulled out of sight and presumably eaten alive.
Back in the ring, Priest hits the Broken Arrow on Miz to pick up the win. Afterward, the zombies crawl into the ring, surround the Miz, and begin to devour him, much to the horror of the commentators…
Meanwhile, Priest - who was quite content helping the Miz earlier in the match - celebrates and gives us one final plug for the movie in a shot that is so bad, yet so hilariously stupid.
Honestly, I don’t know how this was ever green lit. I can’t see any way this could have helped the promotion of the movie, and I am wondering if the marketing behind Army of the Dead were at all satisfied with this. This is one of the stupidest matches ever and one of the worst things I’ve ever seen from WWE. I’d say it’s the closest WWE has ever come to its own WCW “Robocop Moment”, and would probably be treated as such if it didn’t happen during a time we’d all rather forget about, and if Army of the Dead was even 1/1000th as iconic as Robocop.
Up Next - I wonder if the Oklahoma Athletic Commission would try and stop this match from happening too.
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