100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 14 - Johnny Gargano vs. Tommaso Ciampa
NXT, 8th April 2020
One Final Beat.
The culmination of a 3 year rivalry. A storyline between two men whose WWE careers have been intertwined since their first appearance together in the 2015 Dusty Rhodes Classic. If you look at all of their matches within the company for either man, a third of them contain the other in some way. It is no exaggeration to say that the two are the most important characters of NXT between 2016-2019. This coincides with when NXT was at the height of its popularity and critical acclaim. The story of #DIY was considered among the standout of those TakeOver shows.
By the time 2020 had rolled along, this feud had seen just about everything. Betrayal, reunion, more betrayal, multiple face and heel turns, long-term injuries, and championships. And now here we are, stuck at the start of a worldwide pandemic, for One Final Beat. It would take half the review to discuss the various plot points that have led us to the finale of this heated rivalry. Never fear, though. If you aren’t familiar with the rivalry, these two men are about to spend the next 45 minutes telling you exactly each and every plot point to make sure you, the viewer, do not miss the genius story these men believe they’ve put together.
There is one cardinal truth that any storyteller worth their salt knows. It is the very first thing taught to anyone who has attended a creative writing class.
Show, don’t tell.
Wrestling has always had an element of “tell”, as most mediums do in some way. Specifically from wrestling, that tends to come from commentary, which this match lacks. A good commentator will sprinkle backstory into the context of a match. But what happens when you remove commentary, but still want to address the callbacks? Do you trust your audience to be able to piece together their own narrative? Or do you decide to let the wrestlers, quite literally, tell the story to the audience?
I genuinely believe that this is the spiralling culmination of “I’m sorry, I love you” from Wrestlemania 24. That moment had long term consequences on wrestling as a whole, specifically with regards to storytelling. Wrestlers have tried to replicate this style of melodramatic storytelling to varying (usually bad) degrees of success. As one of the most iconic lines in wrestling history, the beauty of “I’m sorry, I love you” is that you never actually hear HBK say it to Flair. It is a moment of hesitation, the mouthing of those words, and the deciding kick. There is no shouting to make sure the camera and audience caught it. The fans only truly learn the words on replay with JR’s call. It’s a beautiful moment of storytelling that has been referenced in wrestling ever since, even as recently as Sting’s retirement match. By wrestling’s low standards of storytelling, this might as well be The Prestige in terms of subtlety.
As you might expect this will be a long review, therefore I’ll briefly summarise my thoughts before I dig deep into the failures of the match. This is a pompous effort to appear deep and meaningful. Everyone involved with putting this together tried so hard to create something powerful and thought provoking. In the end, they achieved the exact opposite. There is no room for deep analysis because the performers are repeatedly smashing it against your head telling you what you should remember, how you should feel, what the motivations of these characters are. The viewer cannot possibly come to their own narratives because everyone has already done it for you, making this less thought provoking but more of a mindless consumption of story.
Imagine for a moment, if at Wrestlemania 13, Steve Austin was in the Sharpshooter, and he’s loudly screaming to the camera: “I won’t quit, I’m too tough. But I am bleeding heavily and I think I might pass out!”
That is, in essence, this match.
This match gives me a newfound appreciation for two factors we as wrestling fans can take for granted. First of all, the benefit of pre-match vignettes. Rather than regurgitating an exposition dump in the process of a match, wrestling companies can use promo packages to briefly summarise every important plot point that the viewer needs to know. The idea being that anyone can watch a match in a vacuum with the video package and at least on some level be able to enjoy what was presented to them.
The other is commentary. Mauro Ranallo is one of the more divisive commentators that I’ve seen in my wrestling fandom. He is not for everybody, especially later in his NXT run when he too became a victim of his own plaudits. But even his sometimes obnoxious enthusiasm would have been an undeniable benefit here. At a time when the audio aspect of wrestling was more important than ever, having a match of this magnitude and length with no commentary proved to be a dreadful decision.
Evaluating cinematic matches was problematic through this process. The Money in the Bank was the limit to my cinematic journey, and anything more outlandish than that (ie. ones that don’t feature a wrestling ring) were omitted from consideration. Those expecting a Braun Strowman versus Bray Wyatt swamp match will be disappointed (though will be referenced in my favourite post - the Great Big Honourable Mentions List). While this is cinematic, there’s a clear beginning, end, a wrestling ring, and is - for all intents and purposes - just a regular match that is presented in a unique way.
So, without further delay, let’s dig into this mess.
Prior to the match, Gargano and his wife, Candice LeRae are having a discussion in the parking lot. She hands him an item before driving away in disgust. Cut to the ring, and Triple H is sitting in the corner waiting for each competitor in a way that I imagine he thinks makes him look badass. The scene for our upcoming 38 minutes of misery is set. A ring situated in an abandoned warehouse with no lighting outside of blistering spotlights centred on the ring. Triple H grabs the chair and looks at the two men with the expression of a disappointed father. “This is where it ends, right here,” Hunter says, throwing the chair to the middle of the ring. He motions to Drake Younger, the referee, and emphasises “Drake is just here to decide the winner, nothing more”.
After all the suspense, let’s discuss the actual match. Before the first punches are thrown, generic stock music plays as the camera circles the two men dramatically. As soon as the men fight, the music abruptly stops and we’re left with the awkward harrowing sounds of a covid-WWE ring. Nothing but the grunts of the competitors, and the crash of the canvas. That is, except for the fact, that these two men spend almost the entirety of this 38 minute affair painfully reciting the plot and themes of their 3 year rivalry. It’s like Triple H gave them a middle school style essay question on the subject, and this was their haphazard, hastily written answer. The remainder of this review will highlight some - worryingly not all - of the explicating. If I spent the time trying to transcribe this entire match, you would be reading this for days because - believe me - these two assholes do not shut the fuck up.
The tone is set during the opening brawl and the two exchange jabs saying “you don’t win, you don’t win tonight”. Ciampa gets the upper hand initially, and reminds the audience that these two loved each other like family. “Brothers, huh? Brothers, huh!?” Worth mentioning also, throughout the match, we get random bleeped expletives at often unusual times just to show how intense and how much they despise one another.
Gargano takes control by working over the knee of Ciampa - taking the time to remind us all that Ciampa tore his ACL. For a single second, I would have loved someone to ask these men “why would your character say these things?” No story is furthered. Gargano and Ciampa, I’m sure, are well aware of Ciampa’s knee injuries and don’t need an exposition dump on their own lives. The only purpose of this is to tell the audience how deep they’ve thought of their own match. A verbal pat on the back for being so clever as to work on a body part that was previously injured. This is like the bare minimum of pro-wrestling storytelling.
The irony that these two men pat themselves on the back is not lost on me.
I suppose I should mention that aside from the obvious issues with the dramatic storytelling, the match is fucking boring. There is so much lying about and waiting to emphasise the storytelling that they forget to actually wrestle a compelling match. The lack of crowd doesn’t help, so I sympathise with them slightly. It is hard to believe that just two years earlier these two had what was many people’s WWE Match of the Year in 2018.
Gargano describes himself as the Heart and Soul of NXT and I’m getting traumatic flashbacks of the miserable Mustafa Ali vs Cedric Alexander match from Wrestlemania 34 that was similarly ruined by ham-fisted entry-level drama school acting. He says “everyone always talks about how tough Tommaso Ciampa is. How many surgeries were there?” Don’t worry if you don’t know, because they’re going to go through and list all of them. Drake Younger, who is just there to call the finish, is awfully concerned for Ciampa, and very disappointed in Johnny.
Perhaps I’d be kinder on this if I thought it was in any way barbaric. However this isn’t even brutal in the slightest for 90% of it - it’s all pretty slow and by the numbers. I have no idea why Drake is so fucking concerned. This very episode of NXT has a ladder match which has about three spots more devastating that anything here. There’s a fire extinguisher spot. Classic WWE. To my absolute shock and pleasant surprise, they never go for a kendo stick. I would have put money on them doing so. They do, however, use a trash can lid as one of the prominent weapons throughout. One of the most generic unimpactful weapons in wrestling. A weapon established as one for late 90s hardcore matches, and they’re using it to sell the cruel nature of this match. As the two beat each other down, Drake, who is just there to call the finish, gets awfully touchy feely with the competitors, showing a complete and utter disregard for any kind of Covid safety protocols.
Drake: “It’s too damn far, Johnny. He’s got a bad neck!”
This man is concerned for the safety of these wrestlers 10 minutes into the match.
This takes the despised overly concerned referee trope and ramps it up by a hundred. I would say this is by quite a large margin the worst example of this. Drake’s overacting, and crying in the corner is some Shawn Michaels Wrestlemania 28 levels of shit. Hell, at least Michaels was involved in that storyline.
Johnny says this isn’t going to last much longer. My WWE Network timestamp tells me we have another 30 minutes to go.
Ciampa finally gets control, and he too decides to recite all the injuries he’s had too. For fucks sake. It’s bad enough that you’ve had to tell us all once, and now we’ve got to hear the other of these two pricks repeat it? How little do you think of your audience and their ability to comprehend GCSE level stories? Ciampa gets a crutch and says “this brings back memories”. Get it? Because he tore his ACL and used it to attack Johnny in the past.
As Ciampa exposes the wooden base of the ring, Drake, who is just there to call the finish, says “this is too far, Ciampa. How long have you known each other for!?” Again, I’m shocked Ciampa didn’t answer the question. Maybe I didn’t give them enough credit. Before the exposed ring is used, Gargano escapes to the outside. This is an excellent opportunity to talk about the editing of this match.
Perhaps the most unforgivable aspect of this is that it was pre-taped. This has the benefit of post-production and isn't left to the mercy of live television like most WWE matches. Despite this, the editing choices are horrendous. How is this the best version of this they could have finished with? Why do none of the moves look impactful? Why are the camera cuts at the most inopportune time? Why is the zoom on the action never quite right? What is the justification for the lighting? The spotlight in the ring is distracting enough, but once they make it to the outside it is so dark I might as well be watching the Battle of Winterfell. Not only that, but somehow the audio of this douchey art film gets even worse outside with what is a constant combination of crickets and the sound of a drone.
The two make their way on top of a production truck, becoming the second overly long covid epic that ends up on a production truck in as many weeks. Drake, who is just there to call the finish, decides to join them on top of the production truck for absolutely zero reason. There’s a tracking drone, which I think is the sole reason why this spot exists.
This is the pinnacle of editing from this multi-billion dollar company. Yet they couldn’t work out how to edit out the sound of the drone.
There’s a lot of funny moments, because if you’re not laughing at the absurdity of it then I can’t see how you can suffer this. One of my favourites happens at the top of the truck when they decide to do the hockey punches. It is hilarious how pathetic and silly this spot looks without any crowd reaction to play off.
To make matters worse, they don’t even bother doing a big spot off the production truck. You have a pre-taped match, you can do any crazy fucking thing you want. But that would be remotely good and interesting so they decided not to do anything. Heaven forbid you do anything to actually sell the brutality of the match. I am now convinced the production truck was only included just to do the tracking shot.
They make their way back inside and Ciampa says “it ends here, Johnny”. All of a sudden, Gargano jumps out rope behind and screams hilariously “it does end in here!” as he’s leaping in the air. It’s difficult to describe how funny this bit is because he has to say it before he physically hits Ciampa. They keep repeating “it ends in here, it ends in here”, I kid you not, at least ten times in this section.
Johnny decides to ramp up the trash talking. “you’re a failure as a man, a failure as a husband, and a failure as a father”. That causes Ciampa to snap and beat the hell out of Gargano with the crutch. Ciampa retreats to the corner to think about the monster he’s become. I’m shocked he doesn’t start picking at his hand, crying “out, damned spot!”. Hey, if these two can flaunt their middle school essay writing skills, then so can I.
Ciampa accidentally knocks out Drake, which instantly makes him the biggest babyface in wrestling to me. He follows this up with a DDT on the exposed wood (featuring the absolute worst camera angle which shows Johnny’s head nowhere near the impact - how did this pass editing?). This leads to maybe the most hilarious moment in the history of pro wrestling, and a moment I have literally waited for for the last 85 entries. After taking the DDT on the exposed wood, Gargano crawls his way to hold Ciampa’s hand in an attempt to remind his former friend of their bond. Ciampa does a dramatic pull away, saddened that their story has reached this point. This might be the biggest piece of masturbatory bullshit ever adorned on a wrestling audience, hell maybe any audience in the history of anything. This spot is so self-indulgent, that it has both permanently and irreparably damaged my opinion of both Gargano and Ciampa, and also the producers involved in putting this atrocity together. Every time I think of this moment - which is far more than I’d care to admit - I feel ashamed that I watch this nonsense form of entertainment, while also laughing hysterically at the stupidity of it.
Because this match needs a fourth terrible actor, here comes Candice LeRae. She starts asking “are you happy!?” to both, who stand looking at her gormlessly like two scolded children. Candice tells Ciampa that she hates her husband, because there is no possible way to portray this without telling us outright. To prove this, she hits Johnny with a low blow. At some point during his NXT run, I think someone told Gargano that his glossy eyed selling was a work of art. By this point he’s whoring it out as much as humanly possible.
Ciampa drops to a knee and hugs his former friend. And they make sweet, passionate love in the middle of the ring. I am, of course, just kidding, although I am not ruling out the possibility that this was pitched as an idea in pre-production. Ciampa apologises to Gargano and they repeat the “I love you” bit as the two share an intimate moment together. Again. This homoerotic moment is all a shocking swerve though, because Candice returns to hit Ciampa with a low blow. Gargano reveals that he was wearing a cup the whole time - given to him earlier by Candice. It’s like someone in WWE read about Chekhov’s Gun before the match and thought that would make this so much smarter. “You lose, Ciampa” laughs Gargano with an acting performance that makes Ronda Rousey look like Cate Blanchett. Gargano hits a Fairytale Ending on the exposed wood. Drake, who is just there to call the finish, calls the finish.
Needless to say, this match is an abomination. It is the dreaded Flanderization of the Gargano Epic, taken to absurd new levels of shit previously thought impossible. Not only is it unreasonably long, but somehow manages to be both boring and ridiculously over the top without a hint of irony. It is disgusting to look at on a visual level, a sore to the ears, and a plague on the brain. We are all stupider for having watched this. After somehow subjecting myself to this for the third fucking time in my life, I turned to Mrs Shock and asked how on earth I have thought of 13 matches worse than this.
Perhaps the worst thing this ever achieved was it got people to question their own thoughts. Were we truly right to praise Gargano and Ciampa in 2018? Was it always bad and we just didn’t see it? In light of this, I rewatched their match from NXT Takeover: New Orleans before posting this review. And while I can’t say that it had the same spectacle it once did, I still loved it. It is unfair for me to retroactively hate on it because of subsequent matches like this, but unfortunately there is an element to that at hand. No doubt some of that lustre has been lost.
If I thought for a second this match was being presented with the slightest bit of irony, I’d be kinder to it. If this was NXT taking a light hearted jab at the over-dramatic journey of the two men, I could kind of appreciate it at least on some level. However, there’s no part of me that believes that is the intention. These people are not smart enough, nor do they have the storytelling ability or acting chops to present this ironically. The success of the Boneyard match and the Firefly Funhouse (even as a match I don’t particularly enjoy) is that - while they tried to tell a story - they leaned into the campiness of the cinematic matches. As we saw with the Money in the Bank, you can lean too heavily into the humour of it which is its own problem. But the Boneyard and Firefly Funhouse had just the right amount of nudge-nudge-wink-wink we know this is kind of stupid but let’s just have fun. I truly believe that Gargano, Ciampa and all the bookers and producers believed they created something special with this. And for that reason, everyone involved in this should be embarrassed, and we should all be embarrassed for them.
Up Next - Not just a Ring of Honor stable led by Homicide.
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