100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 18 - John Cena vs. Michael Cole
Raw - 4th June 2012
By the time 2012 rolled around, Michael Cole had all but shed his heel character. He had certainly calmed down from an insufferable, controversial 2011 run as the company’s most prominent heel figure. After all, Cole had received his comeuppance at Over the Limit 2011. Gone were the days of heel MIchael Cole dominating the airwaves. Of course, WWE still needed their unbearable heel figure - at this time John Laurinaitis. While he was still a heel, Cole’s commentary was no longer outright burying talent at every opportunity.
That is, until one random episode of Raw in mid 2012 when Michael Cole inexplicably reverted back to his uber heel persona. He was at his absolute most obnoxious once again for this singular episode like he had time travelled from 2011 and dumped right into the show. Why? Well, because this match needed to happen and there needed to be justification for it. This is textbook bad writing - having characters do things against their character for the benefit of the plot. Although calling this a “plot” feels like giving WWE writers far more credit than they deserve.
If you are wondering why this match exists, as any sane person should question, then your answer is this is a continuation of WWE’s insistence to try and get John Cena cheered in 2012. It started with Cena trying to leach off the popularity of Zack Ryder to start the year. In one of the more controversial moves, WWE purposefully made the Rock look bad and flustered at various points in the lead up to their Wrestlemania match. Then there’s the forced John Laurinaitis feud. And finally, beating up on Michael Cole. After all, people still didn’t like Cole even with his muted character, so any babyface making a joke at his expense would be well received. For some reason WWE seemed intent on trying to fix the John Cena fan reactions that had been fully established for the last 7 years.
In the Laurinaitis review, I mentioned how Cena kind of stole the Laurinaitis feud from far more deserving people such as CM Punk. This is, somehow, even worse. The victims who should have gotten even with Cole were Lawler and JR, and both did at various points in 2011. The next logical guy would be Daniel Bryan. To make matters worse, it’s worth remembering that during the absolute pinnacle of heel Michael Cole, there were two babyfaces that were 100% immune to his tirades on commentary. John Cena and Randy Orton. Every other babyface was treated like subhuman shit by Cole for the entirety of his heel run, but the golden boys never faced the same fate. Don’t believe me? Watch any match of theirs during the heel Cole era and you’ll see that Cole, for some reason, just commentates on Orton and Cena matches like he would as a face. Even, bizarrely, if they were wrestling the Miz.
Of all the people who should be getting this cathartic beatdown of Michael Cole, John Cena is the absolute last man that justified it.
You might be wondering why this ranks higher than the Laurinaitis match? The two are obviously very similar in style and purpose. But this one, at the very least, is just a main event on Monday Night Raw, not a Pay-Per-View main event that people spent actual money on. It also lasts just 5 minutes and not 17. My reasoning is it comes down to the fact that at least Laurinaitis was at one point a former wrestler. The other, far more important fact, is the Laurinaitis beatdown happened at the pinnacle of Big Johnny. It probably was the right time for him to get some sort of comeuppance - albeit at the hands of the wrong man.
This match was a year too late.
Cena easily dispatched of the previously undefeated Tensai, to earn the fight with Cole. Not that I’m some advocate for a Tensai main event run, but it’s kind of embarrassing that his push was handicapped in order to justify a Michael Cole versus John Cena match. Cole immediately tries to run away and gets a noogie for his troubles.
Cole gets on the mic and tries to talk Cena out of the match, talking about their history and how supportive he’s always been of Cena. Then suddenly a lightbulb goes off on Cole’s head and he abruptly turns right into his mega heel persona because - once again - WWE needs to give John Cena a reason for this to happen.
In response, Cena strips Cole down to his boxers. The visual of this jock beating up on this somewhat nerdy, normal dude probably gave a lot of people PTSD from their own high school experiences. Perhaps this wouldn’t be as bad if WWE weren’t knee deep in the Don’t Be A Bully, Be A Star campaign where they were encouraging youngsters not to mistreat those more vulnerable than themselves.
Anyway, back to this wrestler torturing a commentator as Cena gives Cole an absolutely brutal chop. Perhaps if WWE didn’t love to bully and treat their own employees like shit, the Be A Star campaign wouldn’t have been as relentlessly mocked as it was. The concept of encouraging kids not to bully is inherently a positive, but WWE being the company to promote this is akin to if Vince McMahon championed the Me Too movement.
Cena gets the mic and makes Cole apologise to Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross even going as far as to make Cole promote JR’s “slobber knocking good” BBQ sauce. Similar to the previous review, Lawler is in hysterics on commentary. He also just so happened to have some of JR’s barbeque sauce at ringside, which Cena pours onto Cole, smearing the entire ring in the process. This is now as gross visually as it was in concept. Unlike the Laurinaitis match which had some comedy that I just didn’t find funny, the tone of this didn’t feel like comedy at all (even though that was certainly what they were aiming for). It felt more like outright unjustified bullying of a heel that already had his humiliation in the Kiss My Feet match the previous year.
They do yet another fire extinguisher spot before Tensai interferes which gives Cole a surprise near fall. Cena recovers, catches Cole with the Attitude Adjustment for the win after 5 long, excruciating minutes.
Remember, kids. Don’t be a bully, be a star.
Up Next - Tori at Wrestlemania 15 is somehow not the worst outfit in the history of Wrestlemania.
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