100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 17 - Giant Gonzalez vs. The Undertaker
Wrestlemania IX
The quality of Undertaker’s early career is well documented. He spent much of his early WWE career sabotaged by two major hindrances. The first was an over-commitment to the gimmick, which caused his matches to be filled with long chokes and no selling. The other was - especially once he turned babyface - being lumped with a who’s who of inept talent. A seemingly never ending collection of the newest big monster of the week for him to overcome.
There is perhaps no man that better represents the sheer dross that Undertaker would have to deal with quite like Giant Gonzalez - legitimately the tallest wrestler to ever compete in a WWE ring. A former basketball player who is not just one of the largest pro wrestlers ever, but one of the largest human beings to ever live. He is without a doubt a spectacle, he dwarfs even the near 7 foot tall Undertaker. Undertaker and Paul Bearer had been feuding with Kamala and Harvey Wippleman in late 1992. After dispatching of Kamala, Wippleman brought in a new monster to defeat the Deadman. The feud began at the 1993 Royal Rumble, and continued to Wrestlemania (and beyond).
Giant Gonzalez is arguably the single worst wrestler we’ve seen to date on this list. He was so bad, that when WCW pitched the idea for Undertaker to wrestle El Gigante - the future Giant Gonzalez - Undertaker cited this as a reason for cutting his losses and leaving WCW in the first place. You could take any wrestler in any entry to my list and I think there’s a high probability I’d take them over Gonzalez. Give me Kenzo Suzuki over Gonzalez. Fat out of shape unmotivated Chris Harris? Better than Giant Gonzalez. Non-wrestler, can’t take a bump, can’t throw a worked punch Tyson Fury? Probably better than Giant Gonzalez. 50-year-old Johnny Ace? Fuck it, give me Big Johnny.
You have to go right to the bottom of the barrel to find anyone comparably hideous as Gonzalez. I’m talking non-wrestler former referee and manager 58 year old Teddy Long. I’m talking the similarly inept and immobile Giant Silva. I’m talking Jackie Gayda in her 3rd televised match. And - most appropriately for this review - Tori. All people who had neither the skills, or the training or coordination to ever be put in a wrestling ring when they were.
Tori at Wrestlemania 15 had a horrific night, both in the ring, and with one of the more unfortunate aesthetics in WWE history (but hey, if you enjoy it, more power to you - I am not here to kink shame). However, even Tori’s bizarre looking catsuit pales in comparison to what might be the worst look, not just in WWE history, but perhaps all of professional wrestling history. It is likely the world’s first Attack on Titan cosplayer, two decades before the series ever began. It is frankly disgusting to look at, and the fact that nobody on commentary references it somehow makes it even worse. This isn’t just a one-off bad costume they pulled out for Wrestlemania either, this was his WWE look for the whole damn run. Clearly, nobody once said “this looks stupid, and we should immediately stop this”. I am not sure if WWE wanted to imply that this was his actual body, and frankly I don’t want to know because the prospect that this is meant to be his implied body scars and traumatises me. There are no words to describe how distracting and nauseating it is to watch this and have to look at the airbrushed ass of Giant Gonzalez, or his fucking pubes right there staring at you at all times.
On the plus side, Undertaker’s entrance with the vulture is incredibly cool, and at least we’ll always have that. This might be one of the few actual praises of this entire show, which tells you my opinion of Wrestlemania 9 as a whole. The match itself is your standard Undertaker versus the latest monster. With one key difference. That is, even compared to the usual standards, Giant Gonzalez was a special level of suck. Undertaker commented in a later interview how Vince would often pair him up with a new big guy, but that Giant Gonzalez was his least favourite opponent ever because of how green he was. He would comment that he’d often be hurt by Gonzalez due to how uncoordinated and unprepared for wrestling he was. Watching this match, it is not difficult to believe.
Undertaker, as he usually does in these matches as a babyface, really tries. I truly believe that. He’s trying to bump and make Gonzalez look decent, but he’s facing a colossal task. Gonzalez is an uncoordinated mess, with no instinct of where to be, how to move, how to sell. The majority of the match consists of Gonzalez sitting in a chinlock. His strikes are that horrible dichotomy of looking really weak from a massive wrestler, which somehow makes them look even worse than usual. It’s perfectly understandable to an extent, of course, because being that tall comes with a multitude of health and movement issues so you have to on some level sympathise with the man. This is not a guy that should be in a wrestling ring, and it’s kind of sad that he’s used as nothing more than a circus attraction.
The Streak was not anywhere close to being a thing yet, so there’s probably an alternate universe where Vince decides to put over his new young monster and the Streak never materialises. Instead, we live in the world where Gonzalez takes an ether soaked rag (wrestling needs these to come back) and makes Undertaker pass out, leading to a DQ win for the Deadman. Despite the fact that the commentators claim they can smell the chloroform, the referee takes his sweet-ass time calling for the DQ. You’d think after 2 previous DQ finishes on this show, they’d be much better at calling it. What a shitty show.
After the match, Gonzalez gives the referee a chokeslam, slamming the official neck and head first onto the mat.
Thanks to the Streak, this match finds itself impossible to truly forget. I find it funny that a match so famously awful has been permanently cemented in WWE lore. For over a decade - every Streak match, one of the biggest matches of the year - has this match is featured within its video package. Even through all the classics, the End of the Era, the Brock match, the Michaels matches, the world title wins over Edge and Batista. In every pre-match hype, you will be greeted with a flashback of all the previous Streak victims. And there, for a fleeting moment, will inevitably be a memory of Undertaker battling Giant Gonzalez and his abhorrent airbrushed muscle bodysuit, with his pubes and ass on display for us all to see.
And that immortalisation of this match is fucking hilarious.
Up Next - Why don’t you have a seat right over there?
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