100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 4 - Gerald Brisco vs. Pat Patterson
Hardcore Championship - Evening Gown Match - King of the Ring 2000
In the words of Mike from the Discord, there are times when you watch something and question if you even want to continue being a wrestling fan at all. The fact that any of us are still wrestling fans after this, much less preparing to read a review about this, is a goddamn miracle.
We’ve all been there when you’re watching a film with your parents and a raunchy scene pops up. It’s mortifying, and time seems to come to a screeching halt for every agonising awkward moment. Spare a thought for the poor kid who watched this show with their parents and this came on.
2000 is rightfully seen as one of WWE’s finest ever years. A fresh, vibrant main event scene driven by The Rock and Triple H, complemented by an influx of talented midcard wrestlers such as Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero. It was a fun time to be a wrestling fan. It’s not a coincidence that, up to this point, we haven’t seen a single entry from the year. Despite this, King of the Ring 2000 ended up being one of the most disappointing shows of the year. Not just for a mediocre tournament and main event, but because it featured one of the most historically awful and reviled matches ever put to television.
There is only one thing saving this from the top of the list. Firstly, this has absolute rock bottom expectations. Just by the very mention of the competitors and the stipulation, it would have taken a minor miracle to make anything worthwhile. And secondly, a short length - although make no mistake you will feel every second of the three minute bell-to-bell “action and the ten minute segment runtime. If someone were to tell me this is their least favourite WWE match and should be number one, you have no argument from me. I certainly considered it too.
There’s not enough words to describe what this is. It’s vulgar. It’s unpleasant. It’s an inside joke set to humiliate these two men and get a cheap laugh out of the boys in the back. The fans in the arena and around the world are the third wheel sitting awkwardly while everyone on WWE TV is laughing at their own hilarious private jokes. Not only is it humiliating to the two men in the match, but it seemingly does everything in its power to embarrass people who happen to be trans, queer or homosexuals.
You may be wondering how this catastrophe ever came to be. The story as told by Michael Hayes is that WWE creative were torn for the filler spot on the card. Some wanted a Patterson vs Brisco match, whereas others wanted Trish vs Lita in an evening gown match. Vince McMahon, as final decision maker, decided to put 2 and 2 together, and combined the ideas into this monstrosity. So to answer the question of how this ever came to be, the answer is - as it usually is - Vince McMahon.
Much like Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah in 1999, WWE realised that Patterson and Brisco’s appearances as Vince’s stooges on WWE television got surprisingly decent reactions from the live audience. And like Moolah and Young, WWE decided to drive that joke into the ground. Brisco ended up winning the Hardcore Championship twice, once for nearly a whole month (which in Hardcore Title terms, might as well be the Roman Reigns’ title run). On the night of his second Hardcore Championship win, Patterson smashed a bottle over his head during their celebrations and took the title for himself.
Patterson would spend the rest of the show in drag hiding in the women’s locker room. Brisco would learn where Patterson was, get on his best dress, and jump him. Embarrassed by his stooges’ antics, Vince McMahon set this match for King of the Ring. A hardcore evening gown match where both men are dressed in drag.
I’m not going to go out of my way to describe this. The match is repulsive enough without me having to relive it all again here in great detail. Brisco comes out to Hulk Hogan’s theme, because he’s old, I guess. It would be funny if: a) WWE hadn’t made the same joke (but much funnier) with the Big Show at Backlash of this year; b) if WWE didn’t start twerking for Hogan once 2002 came around.
The lone bright spark about this is JR and Lawler’s commentary. Even then, a lot of it is them laughing at a bunch of inside jokes, but some of the one liners are unfortunately quite good. Not that it makes this any more pleasant to watch, mind you. And a lot of the lines inevitably are laced in homophobia against Patterson, which makes me regret any faint praise I have. Frankly, I’m impressed at JR’s restraint - he only does a couple of “Pat Patterson is gay” jokes.
Some “highlights” of the better commentary lines are:
“Patterson’s body looks like he just had a litter of pups” - JR
“Those aren’t puppies, I’ve seen bigger lumps in my oatmeal”. - Jerry Lawler
“If I weren’t a happily married man, I’d be changing jerseys”. - JR
If this isn’t scraping the bottom of the barrel for compliments, I don’t know what is.
I didn’t think there’d be anything as repulsive as Bastion Booger sitting on Bushwhacker Butch’s face. Nor Giant Gonzalez’s airbrushed pube suit. Or even the very sight of seeing Jerry Lawler sell for Michael Cole’s offence.
However this is, without a doubt the most repulsive, gross, disgusting, vulgar match in WWE history. It is sickening to look at, just totally unpleasant in every way. I don’t need to see Brisco in pantyhose and a thong. I don’t need to see Patterson stuff a banana in Brisco’s mouth (get it, he’s gay). I didn’t need to see these two 60 year old men stripped down to lingerie. I didn’t need to see Brisco do the bronco buster. I especially don’t need to see Patterson pull out a period pad from his underwear and stick it in Brisco’s mouth (seriously, just nasty shit - worst thing in this whole process by far).
The only other positive, and I use that word in the absolute loosest sense of the word, is that the fans relentlessly shit on this monstrosity from the very beginning. None of the humour lands, and the crowd audibly groans with every sex / genitalia based spot as they should. The only time they come to life is when Crash Holly interferes to win the Hardcore Championship, mercifully ending this.
“Good thing about it Pat, is that you get to keep your wardrobe”. - JR
Perhaps it’s underwhelming for me to have such a short review for the number 4 match on the list, but I have no great desire to discuss this any further. There’s no insightful commentary to be had, nor a deep meaningful reason why it failed. It’s awful, everyone acknowledges it's awful. If you find humour in this, then I imagine you’re the sort of person who eagerly watches Mrs Brown's Boys every Christmas, and James Corden is your favourite television personality.
If you are lucky enough to have never watched this perverted abuse of your eyes, then please keep it that way. Do not watch this. Frankly, watching the gifs and reading the review is more torture than should be allowed, so spare a thought for those of us that have subjected ourselves to this.
Up Next - 3 years is a long time in wrestling.
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