100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 41 - Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger & The Headshrinkers vs. The Bushwhackers & Men On A Mission
Traditional Survivor Series Match - Survivor Series 1993
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I present to you our number 41 match.
Farbeit for me to talk about how bizarre it is that we have not one, but two traditional Survivor Series matches featuring a bunch of guys dressed up like Doink the Clown turn up on this list. While Jerry Lawler and the Royal Family versus Clowns R Us was undoubtedly one of the unfunniest matches on the list and arguably wrestling history, this match is something entirely worse.
Of all the matches in this list, this is among my absolute least favourite. There’s matches that are objectively worse - the ones that aren’t just bad matches, but ones that actually do long term material damage to the company or a particular wrestler. This match, ultimately, is meaningless - you could forget about it the minute you’ve finished watching the show. That’s the sort of thing that puts a ceiling on how high I could justify its placement. But make no mistake, this match would easily be in my top 5 least favourite matches in WWE history. Because for all the poor wrestling, terrible storylines, and outright offensive ideas, this makes me feel a certain way that no other match on this list does.
This match is gross. It’s repulsive. It’s unpleasant to look at. It’s sheer existence bothers me.
As a rule, I tend to hate anything that involves people eating. Or rather eating in a particularly obnoxious manner. Everyone hates people that chew with their mouths open, can’t swallow properly, or spits out their food. It’s disgusting and no part of it should ever constitute any kind of entertainment. I’m not a vegetarian, but the fact that these poor birds were bred and murdered for this fucking match makes me question my very ethical compass.
So now imagine a traditional Survivor Series match that largely centres around the idea of people eating. Gross individuals munching with their mouths open, complete with close up camera shots. Once again, this is the kind of entertainment that can only come from the twisted, perverted mind of Vince McMahon. And to rub the salt in this Thanksgiving wound, we have to hear how much Vince is enjoying this with his obnoxious cackling all the way through.
The pre-match starts with the Headshrinkers, Luna Vachon, and Bastion Booger chomping down on a turkey - mouths open, spitting it out. Just fucking repulsive shit. But it doesn’t end there, as they bring the turkey carcass to the ring. Men on a Mission and the Bushwhackers are dressed as Doink the Clown. The actual Doink the Clown is conspicuous by his absence here, despite the crowd chanting for him.
If you think guys getting pinned by clotheslines and suplexes in a traditional Survivor Series match is bad enough, you haven’t seen anything yet I fear. Let me give you an idea of the sort of comedy we’re dealing with here. An early spot sees a water balloon pop in Samu’s face which causes him to get pinned. Yet this is not the stupidest elimination of the whole match.
Shockingly enough, the Bushwhackers are barely involved in this match, and therefore are not the main culprit for this mess. Of course we get another fucking ass biting spot because these things are obligatory, it seems. But outside that, they barely feature. I feel like a hypocrite because I would say this is a positive, but when the alternative is Bastion Booger, I think I’m justified in my hypocrisy.
This man is my hero.
Bastion Booger is my least favourite wrestler of all time. He epitomises everything that I mean when I talk about visually gross stuff in wrestling. It takes a lot for me to dislike a gimmick more than the Boogeyman, but Bastion Booger somehow manages it. And Boogeyman ate worms for gods’ sake. He’s intentionally the most disgusting man, and I can’t fathom getting any entertainment from him. In this match he sits on one of the Bushwhackers, landing dick and balls first right in the poor guy’s face. He stops pinning his man so he can eat a banana in the most grotesque way just to set up his elimination. Not only is this match horrible to look at, but it makes everyone involved look like an idiot.
The match feels like a fever dream. At one point Mo pulls out a scooter and starts cycling around the ring for absolutely no reason whatsoever. It leads to no spot, and is barely mentioned by commentary. It’s like that old eye test where you watch a video of people throwing a ball and ask if you spotted the guy moonwalking in the gorilla suit.
The water balloon spot was one thing, and then Bastion Booger eliminating himself by getting distracted by a banana was somehow even worse. But the stupidest elimination was yet to come. Fatu goes to pin Mabel but gets distracted by a banana skin still laying in the ring. He stands up, and is confronted by a Bushwhacker. Fatu has to awkwardly position himself - taking the time to visibly turn around to check where his foot is, see it’s out of position, then readjusting accordingly - just so he can slip on the banana and be eliminated. Yes, future hall of famer Rikishi, father of two of the best tag team wrestlers of all time, was once pinned because he slipped on a fucking banana peel.
Poor Bam Bam Bigelow is entirely too good to be in this match. Somehow Matt Borne, despite being in a feud with Bam Bam, managed to largely avoid this catastrophe. Still, Bigelow’s team gets completely swept, as the Doinks manage to make everyone involved, including themselves, look stupid.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart. If you find enjoyment from this, I hate you.
Up Next - Your 2001 worst match of the year.
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