100 Worst WWE Matches Ever - 42 - The Beverly Brothers vs. The Bushwhackers
Royal Rumble 1992
There’s moments in life where I sometimes sit and contemplate my existence. How I came to be here at this moment. The beauty and terrifying nature that our lives are nothing but pure luck, a million-to-one chance that somehow I am here at this moment. It’s beautiful. Life is a gift, handed to us by improbable probability, to exist in this one moment in time and to seize that moment for all it’s worth.
Imagine being gifted the blessing of life, and willingly choosing to spend fifteen fucking minutes of your life watching a fifteen fucking minute Bushwhackers match, then willingly choosing to rewatch it and write a review about it.
A part of me feels I have wasted the gift of time that life has given me. I do not deserve anymore. This is a mistake.
In the early 90s, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the Royal Rumble had a knack for great tag matches. In 1991 you had the superb Rockers vs. Orient Express, and on this show we had another excellent Orient Express match against the New Foundation. Unfortunately that trend does not rule true as it pertains to the Bushwhackers and the Beverly Brothers.
By this point I feel like I’ve beaten a dead horse regarding the Bushwhackers. For any Bushwhackers fans that may be reading, who I haven’t driven away by this point, rest assured that only two more matches (including this one) are due to pop up - the second of which is immediately following this. I suppose I’d sum up my feelings by saying that I don’t hate the Bushwhackers in small doses. I can forgive almost anything as long as it doesn’t outstay its welcome.
At fifteen fucking minutes long, this is without a doubt one of the longest wrestling matches in history. At least that’s what your mind will tell you. Giving this match and these wrestlers fifteen fucking minutes is an absurd decision that might be some of the worst time management I’ve ever seen on a major WWE show.
Not even the Genius, who accompanies the Beverly Brothers, can make this worthwhile. Mostly, I suppose because hardly any emphasis is put on the Genius, who may have perhaps been able to save this. Rather, we get constant cuts to Jamison, the buddy of the Bushwhackers. Jamison looks like the nerdy comedy character of your standard lame early 90s comedy flick. Big exaggerated glasses held together with tape, bumbling personality, high squeaky voice. He spends the majority of the match eating food and wiping his face with a sock. The whole thing is just kinda gross and I can’t imagine getting enjoyment from it. Speaking of gross, the WHO would have a field day with the Bushwhackers licking members of the audience, including children.
There’s no doubt that the Bushwhackers are extremely popular and a product of their time, so perhaps it is unfair for me to judge. But I don’t think even the most ardent of Bushwhacker fans could forgive the sheer audacity of serving us with fifteen fucking minutes of this so-called comedy. The first four minutes of this match is dedicated to their stalling, and the crowd eats up every bit of it. Somehow in this opening section we end up with not one, but two separate spots that see the Bushwhackers biting the ass of the Beverly Brothers. This gives you the idea of how lowbrow the comedy we’re dealing with here.
And yet, despite my issues with the Bushwhackers, I’m not entirely sure they’re the worst part of this match because the Beverly Brothers are every bit as responsible for this slog. They are awful here. Shockingly, having two blond tag team wrestlers doesn’t suddenly make them the Midnight Express. If anything they’re the antithesis of that. While Eaton and Lane made a career of fun tag moves, crisp offence, interesting control segments, and impeccable timing, the Beverly Brothers spent this match fumbling around the ring with some of the most boring offence ever put to film. Their heat section goes on for what seems like forever, and the whole match feels like it’s being wrestled on 50% speed. Their offence is so weak - just watch some of their punches and forearms as this match goes on. Some of their strikes were so loose that you could practically fit a 747 in the gap they left on their opponent. Is it a case of them wrestling down to the standards of their opponents? Possibly, but I’ve never come away from any of their matches being impressed, even when paired against maybe my favourite tag team of all time - the Steiners - at the following year’s Royal Rumble.
The Bushwhackers comedy spots continue throughout, and if you like them then great, but I struggle to find enjoyment in small doses. It’s a circus act, the sort of thing that makes wrestling as a whole look stupid - which granted it is - but not an endearing kind of stupid. This is stupid in a way that it makes the whole thing look childish and wholly unserious.
And it goes on, and on, and on. For fifteen fucking minutes.
If it weren’t for the commentary of Heenan and Monsoon, I would say this match had no redeeming qualities at all.
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